Why stop at meat?
A university in England has announced its intention to ban the sale of beef on campus in order to forestall climate catastrophe. Beef, you see, reportedly plays a large role in the propagation of greenhouse gasses, leading to a warming planet, leading to the end of life as we know it in the galaxy.
But clearly the magnitude of this problem demands more than that. If we are truly to avoid the coming climate apocalypse, universities, particularly those here in America, are going to have to lead the way in banning numerous other harmful consumer substances. Here, a brief list of suggestions:
Shoes. Shoes, when you think about them, are rather unnecessary. Human beings already come pre-built with shoes—they’re called feet. There’s no reason we need to use up precious fossil fuels manufacturing these redundant consumer goods. Any shoes that make it onto campus should be burned. If students truly feel they need feet covers, they can be issued a complementary set of post-consumer 100 percent recycled brown paper bags, as well as several hanks of twine for tying them around their ankles.
Knives and forks. Flatware makes up a considerable amount of the dirty dish stream in dining halls. But—again—human beings already possess these devices: They’re called hands and fingers! Indeed, your human appendages are better tools for eating than a flimsy piece of fashioned metal could ever hope to be. All flatware should be decommissioned, smelted and re-cast into a statue commemorating the unjust colonial expropriation in which all universities are complicit. Anyone caught bringing personal flatware onto campus should be sentenced to thirty years hard labor.
Computers. Human beings got along fine without computers for thousands of years. The only reason you think you need one is because Bill Gates has colonized your mind. In addition to Microsoft cult de-programming classes, universities should seize all the laptops on campus, burn them, and issue a thirty-point Reason for Divestment stating why this evil, resource-heavy technology is no longer allowed in the classroom. Pencils, pens and paper will suffice from thence forward (NOTE: paper should be 150 percent post-consumer recycled from soy-based derivatives.)
Chewing gum. Nobody needs chewing gum. It’s pointless and silly. It almost certainly eats up lots of resources and produces lots of greenhouse gasses, too. Even if it doesn’t, it’s still really annoying. Throw it on the burn pile with the shoes and computers. Students will be compensated with a corn-and-quinoa-based reusable breath mint.
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