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UCSB’s ‘White Student Union’ releases hilarious ‘list of demands’

Among the demands? Banning Charlie Sheen- and pirate-themed parties

Whoever is behind these White Student Union Facebook groups, there’s no question they’re enjoying poking fun at the extreme rhetoric and ridiculous demands of the Black Lives Matter student movement.

Case in point: the UCSB WSU Facebook group this week put out a “list of demands” that clearly mocks similar ones issued by student protesters across the nation who bemoan systemic racism.

The list is actually clever and kind of funny. It uses the Left’s obsession with pedagogical language, its affinity for inserting X’s and symbols into certain words, its penchant for banning every “racist” party theme imaginable, and its love of victimization to make its point.

Taken from the group’s Facebook page:

We, students of Europe@n descent at UCSB, refuse to accept the negative social climate created towards our peers of Europe@n descent and other marginalized groups. We have begun this movement, UCSB White Student Union, in an effort to change the status quo for a more just and inclusive environment within our campus. We demand that UCSB become a leader in the fight to promote a better social climate towards individuals who have been systematically oppressed. Student leaders acknowledge and support the demands previously stated and currently being presented. Furthermore, we demand that UCSB acknowledge its ethical and moral responsibilities as an institution and community of our world. UCSB should not be complicit in oppressive organizations and systems, no less.

We as a compassionate student body have gathered to address the legacy of oppression against persons of Europe@n descent (PED) on campus. If these goals are not initiated within the next quarter, and completed by the second week of Winter Quarter, we will organize and respond by respectfully complaining.

WE DEMAND the designation of four white-student only rooms at UCSB in the Anacapa Dorms that will be used by Cultural Affinity groups to provide a safe space for those who wish to learn about and celebrate Europe@n heritages and traditions, to be called the Hernan Cortes housing commons. UCSB White Student Union (WSU) members will be involved in a working group with the staff of the Residency department to begin discussions on the viability of the formation of Affinity Housing for those interested in European culture.

WE DEMAND the creation of an White Student Development Resource Center, to be named the Napoleon Bonaparte Resource Center, with a designated office space as well as safe space for hosting events, at a central campus location. This center is to be under the purview of the White Student Development Office, which is to be formed immediately. A shocking 67% of students of Europe@n descent report being othered and marginalized because of their white identity and Europe@n heritage. Some reasons for this are lack of adequate academic, financial and organizational support, and feelings of isolation from other students proud of their Europe@n heritage throughout the university. The resource center will serve as a space on campus for white students to gather, host programming, and to offer support to white student organizations, all contributing to community building, increased stability, and a greater feeling of belonging at the university.

WE DEMAND the hiring of two permanent full-time admissions staff members of non self-hating Europe@n descent and a series of enhanced recruitment strategies, with a budget of $300,371, to recruit students of Europe@n descent to UCSB. We maintain that this funding comes from the Chancellor’s office and not from the division of Student Affairs. These funds will be managed through the office of Admissions & Enrollment. This funding will be used to bolster efforts in the Office of Undergraduate Admissions and bridges Multicultural Resource Center. The recruitment of additional students of Europe@n descent is imperative to create a student body that is representative of the California population. A critical mass of students of Europe@n descent will surely help to alleviate the incredibly hostile campus climate white students have had to endure for decades as consistently evidenced by campus climate surveys. While there are already staff of Europe@n descent, many of them are self-hating PED who do not effectively promote the interests of students of Europe@n descent.

WE DEMAND that UCSB provide an additional stipend to campus police officers to patrol campus grounds and the Isla Vista community in an effort to more effectively discover and subsequently root out and punish any and all forms of speech that are deemed offensive to students of Europe@n descent, including but not limited to: “Cracker,” “Stupid white people”; “OMG, you are so white”; “Where are you from?”; “No, I mean like what part of Europe?”; “Wow, I bet you get sunburned really easily!”; “you wouldn’t understand because you’re white”; “don’t eat this; it’s too spicy for you”; “honky” (and any variants thereof); “Surrendering like a Frenchman!”; and so forth. Currently, campus police officers are simply not equipped to provide UCSB white students a safe space. Saying any of the things listed above should merit immediate expulsion and arrest in order to effectively maintain a s@fe space.

WE DEMAND that UCSB and campus police immediately prohibit on pain of expulsion and imprisonment any future parties and other festivities at UCSB or in Isla Vista that have the following (non-exhaustive list of) themes that may further marginalize and trigger white identities and white-identified students: Charlie Sheen Theme; a France Theme; a Britain Theme; a St. Patrick’s Day Theme; an Irish Theme; a Scotland Theme; a Spain Theme; an Andorra Theme; a Switzerland Theme; a Swiss Theme; a Belgium Theme; a German Theme; an Austria Theme; an Italy Theme; a ‘King and Queen’ Theme; a Catholics vs. Protestants Theme; a George Washington Theme; a Colonial Theme; a Pirate Theme; a Denmark Theme; a Finland Theme; an Iceland Theme; a Portugal Theme; an Oktoberfest Theme; a Ukraine Theme; a Belarus Theme; a Hungary Theme; a Slovakia Theme; a Czech Republic Theme; a Norway Theme; a Croatia Theme; a Bulgaria Theme; a Russia Theme; a Serbia Theme; a Greece Theme; a Netherlands Theme; a Luxembourg Theme; an Albania Theme (especially as relates to the movie ‘Taken’); and so forth.

WE DEMAND the creation and implementation of a mandatory White Cultural Competency Training and a Diversity Requirement, which all students and all faculty must go through to enter UCSB to foster a more diverse and inclusive environment. The requirement and training will teach participants how to appreciate and uphold Europe@n cultures on campus and will also outline what phrases and words (earlier mentioned) to avoid saying to prevent triggering white-identified students and to avoid the further marginalization of white identities at UCSB.

Lastly, WE DEMAND that all UCSB administrators and faculty issue a statement of apology to faculty, staff and administrators of Europe@n descent as well as their allies, neither of whom were provided a safe space for them to thrive while at UCSB.

And that, as they say, is that.

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About the Author
Fix Editor
Jennifer Kabbany is editor-in-chief of The College Fix.